Mr. Holmes #6

Dear Mr. Holmes,

I've been dating a great guy for about eight months now. About a month ago, we officially became boyfriends. Prior to this, we were just dating. We still haven't discussed monogamy. I feel like if I approach the subject, I'll make him run, and if I don't, I feel like he thinks I don't want it.

Things have been great without talking about it, but now I'm starting to question why we haven't. Is eight months too soon? Is eight months too long? I know every relationship is different, but in general what is the appropriate time to broach the subject? and how?

Need to Know in SF

Dear Need to Know,

Is eight months too soon or too long to discuss monogamy? The answer, old boy, lies in how important monogamy is to you: is it something you very much want in a relationship, or is it negotiable? Casting my gimlet eye over your letter, it seems you certainly want your partner to be monogamous, but you fear that asking for this commitment will drive him away.

One of the pearls of wisdom my GayRelate colleagues teach (and there are many) is that when you ingore a value that is of true importance to you in a relationship, you may find short term happiness, but in the longer term you'll experience disappointment and friction with your partner. Often we compromise our values because we want to be liked.

However, if you are to get what is most important to you in a relationship, you must first take the step of communicating this clearly, then determine with your boyfriend if he has the inclination and the capacity to provide it.

So, be a good fellow and talk to your partner about monogamy. If he says yes, you'll be happier than the Queen Mother sipping pink gin on a summer's day. If he says no, you'll have a choice to make: either to negotiate an open relationship with him (if you can do so on terms that work for you), or to find a partner who is committed to monogamy.

Alternatively, for a small fee, Watson and I can recommend some excellent chastity belts.

God save the Queen(s)!
Sherlock Holmes, Esq.

Do you have questions for Mr. Holmes about dating? intimacy? relationships? Just send him an e-mail at Mr.Holmes@GayRelate.com. All e-mail addresses and names will remain confidential - Mr. Holmes is quite discreet. He'll do his best to uncover the answer to your questions.