Mr. Holmes #8

Dear Mr. Holmes,

While I agree with 90% of your response to Clueless in SF, this idea that we gay men have a different culture than non-gay men is a crock. A different point of view, yes! A different sensability, sometimes. But what we are usually calling "Gay Culture" is really just male culture.

The demands women make on men is what makes the difference. Gay or straight, we all got trained in the schoolyard. How we experience that and what choices we make about that experience are where our individual differences lie.

The "scripts" and the dynamics created are pretty much the same wherever we went to school. This is my pet peeve for the year. Feel free to disagree and round file this according. Or crucify me in your column.

Sincerely, Grumpy in SF

Dear Grumpy in SF,

What a breath of fresh air you've let in to Mr. Holmes' dark & danky garret. Thank you for your response. Dr. Watson & I are thrilled when we're invited to enter into a dialogue with one of our fans.

We are in absolute agreement with you that our "scripts" are codified on the schoolyard, and at our mothers' apron hems, and at the cricket pitch with dad. It is how we internalize these messages that makes us individuals.

Some say that "Gay Culture" is just what happens when males relate to each other without the external stimuli of females. We choose not to take sides in this argument.

Rather, we accept that gay men deserve to enjoy intimate relationships with other gay men. We must be true to ourselves, knowing that we each deserve love, friends, respect - the list goes on and on - as much as any other man or woman, gay or straight.

To those who say that our differences make us weaker - Pish Posh! Watson and I know that we are each worthy of happiness in our lives. I deserve to ask for what I want in a relationship. Is there any reason that I should continue to listen to those schoolyard voices, telling me that I'm not worthy? We need to strive to overcome that drag on our spirits, and live the life we deserve to live, with whomever we choose to live it with.

Don't forget, dear chap: I know that if I can BE Mr. Right, I can attract Mr. Right. OK, now help, Watson, get me down off this soap box!

God save the Queen(s)!
Sherlock Holmes, Esq.

Do you have questions for Mr. Holmes about dating? intimacy? relationships? Just send him an e-mail at Mr.Holmes@GayRelate.com. All e-mail addresses and names will remain confidential - Mr. Holmes is quite discreet. He'll do his best to uncover the answer to your questions.