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Mr. Holmes #9
Dear Mr. Holmes,
My boyfriend and I get along great for the most part, but sometimes I feel he discounts
my opinions in front of our friends. It bothers me enough to want to say something, but
I'm not sure how.
Sincerely, Cautious in the Castro
Dear Cautious,
Ah, my dear boy, Watson opines that he is most sympathetic to your plight, making reference to a
recent social gala in which he asserts that I was guilty of a similar charge!
In any event, you raise a wonderful question regarding the art of communication, and in
particular, the skill of giving feedback. Although somewhat difficult for all of us at times,
giving feedback is a skill that can be learned and practiced. Watson reminds us here that
giving feedback is an opportunity to ask for what we want, to speak our values to another,
and offers the following prescription:
- * confine your comments to your boyfriend to the observable data of the interaction, i.e. what he specifically said or did
- * tell him what you inferred from that, i.e. the story you made up about his thoughts, motives, or intentions (it's not necessarily "the truth" because you can never be expert in his thoughts, motives, or intentions)
- *voice your feeling-level reaction to what he said or did.
Using this formula, you might have said, "Last night when you dismissed my points of view in front
of Mike and Cindy, the story I made up is that you don't think I carefully consider my ideas before
speaking them, and I felt defensive as a result."
Your boyfriend has now clearly heard your position, and by not making accusations as to his
motive and intentions, you have allowed him to hear you in a non-defensive way and to respond
in a similar fashion. From here, the two of you have an opportunity to practice more deeply the
art of understanding each other's thoughts, positions and feelings. And as Watson reminds,
"practice is the key to mastery."
God save the Queen(s)!
Sherlock Holmes, Esq.
Do you have questions for Mr. Holmes about dating? intimacy? relationships?
Just send him an e-mail at Mr.Holmes@GayRelate.com.
All e-mail addresses and names will remain confidential - Mr. Holmes is quite discreet.
He'll do his best to uncover the answer to your questions.
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